The Real Scent of A Woman

Being relatively unemployed has its pluses and minuses. As you can probably imagine, having the folding money that makes life a joy is one of those minuses. However free time and satellite television are certainly a plus. For example, during the month of June, I must have watched Batman Returns on HBO roughly 68 times. (I’ve watched it so much that I realize that Morgan Freeman’s character, Lucius Fox, would have to be an idiot to not realize Bruce Wayne is Batman. The whole car chase with the Tumbler/Batmobile would have been the elephant in the room.) This fact begins to seem pathetic after I realize that I own the Batman Begins DVD. But I digress.

The other movie I viewed multiple times was Scent of A Woman. Scent of A Woman is notable and or enjoyable for several reasons. A pre-fame Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays an unlikable rich kid \(as role he’d repeat in Talented Mr. Ripley). Al Pacino made his debut on a little show I like to call Overacting Theater. (Whoo-ah, anyone.) And the Thanksgiving dinner scene that reminds me of every awkward, drunken and dysfunctional familial moment of my own. But despite all of that I can’t get past what a fucking pussy Chris O’Donnell is.

His character, Charlie, is soft like church music. I mean this is a pussy being bullied by pussies. Isn’t he supposed to be from Oregon? Didn’t he have some lumberjack kid kicking his ass like four times a week? Would he really let a bunch of rich kids threaten him? Trust me I grew up around rich kids and the mere mention of violence makes 85 percent of them piss on their Pradas. It just rings false to me. He’s a kid from a blue collar family – I don’t think he’s the kind of guy to take a lot of shit. Yeah, he’s away from home, he’s young and he’s probably a little shy so maybe I can see it. But still I blame Chris O’Donnell. (Inherently most contemporary actors can only play one type of role. This is why George Clooney is always dashing, Leonardo DiCaprio is always fucking crazy and Johnny Depp is always weird. There just aren’t any Oliviers out there.) In order to play Charlie as that much of a pussy O’Donnell must really be a pussy. You just can’t fake this level of candy assness. Ultimately it’s my problem. I just can’t stand pussies. It’s something within my DNA. I know you’re thinking: “Dude, he’s acting.” But let’s look at the facts.

There’s the aforementioned Scent of a Woman. Then there’s In Love and War where O’Donnell plays Ernest Hemingway… wait for it, wait for it… in Love. I shit you not. O’Donnell plays the least masculine portrayal of Hemingway… EVER. I mean when you think Hemingway you think about drunken nights, bullfights, hunting trips, and swallowing a shotgun shell. You do not think about puppy dog eyes and sweaty palms. How’d you like that on your resume. “Hmmm… Let’s see you played Hemingway like a lovelorn bitch? You’re hired.” And then there’s Batman and Robin were George Clooney plays the dashing Bruce Wayne (see what I mean) and O’Donnell plays a Robin so sensitive that he makes Burt Ward (who portrayed Robin on the TV show) seem like Clint Eastwood. But don’t take my word for it. Batman and Robin will be on in 45 minutes – right after Scent of Woman.

The Real Scent of A Woman

Being relatively unemployed has its pluses and minuses. As you can probably imagine, having the folding money that makes life a joy is one of those minuses. However free time and satellite television are certainly a plus. For example, during the month of June, I must have watched Batman Returns on HBO roughly 68 times. (I’ve watched it so much that I realize that Morgan Freeman’s character, Lucius Fox, would have to be an idiot to not realize Bruce Wayne is Batman. The whole car chase with the Tumbler/Batmobile would have been the elephant in the room.) This fact begins to seem pathetic after I realize that I own the Batman Begins DVD. But I digress.

The other movie I viewed multiple times was Scent of A Woman. Scent of A Woman is notable and or enjoyable for several reasons. A pre-fame Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays an unlikable rich kid \(as role he’d repeat in Talented Mr. Ripley). Al Pacino made his debut on a little show I like to call Overacting Theater. (Whoo-ah, anyone.) And the Thanksgiving dinner scene that reminds me of every awkward, drunken and dysfunctional familial moment of my own. But despite all of that I can’t get past what a fucking pussy Chris O’Donnell is.

His character, Charlie, is soft like church music. I mean this is a pussy being bullied by pussies. Isn’t he supposed to be from Oregon? Didn’t he have some lumberjack kid kicking his ass like four times a week? Would he really let a bunch of rich kids threaten him? Trust me I grew up around rich kids and the mere mention of violence makes 85 percent of them piss on their Pradas. It just rings false to me. He’s a kid from a blue collar family – I don’t think he’s the kind of guy to take a lot of shit. Yeah, he’s away from home, he’s young and he’s probably a little shy so maybe I can see it. But still I blame Chris O’Donnell. (Inherently most contemporary actors can only play one type of role. This is why George Clooney is always dashing, Leonardo DiCaprio is always fucking crazy and Johnny Depp is always weird. There just aren’t any Oliviers out there.) In order to play Charlie as that much of a pussy O’Donnell must really be a pussy. You just can’t fake this level of candy assness. Ultimately it’s my problem. I just can’t stand pussies. It’s something within my DNA. I know you’re thinking: “Dude, he’s acting.” But let’s look at the facts.

There’s the aforementioned Scent of a Woman. Then there’s In Love and War where O’Donnell plays Ernest Hemingway… wait for it, wait for it… in Love. I shit you not. O’Donnell plays the least masculine portrayal of Hemingway… EVER. I mean when you think Hemingway you think about drunken nights, bullfights, hunting trips, and swallowing a shotgun shell. You do not think about puppy dog eyes and sweaty palms. How’d you like that on your resume. “Hmmm… Let’s see you played Hemingway like a lovelorn bitch? You’re hired.” And then there’s Batman and Robin were George Clooney plays the dashing Bruce Wayne (see what I mean) and O’Donnell plays a Robin so sensitive that he makes Burt Ward (who portrayed Robin on the TV show) seem like Clint Eastwood. But don’t take my word for it. Batman and Robin will be on in 45 minutes – right after Scent of Woman.

My Girl is Getting Her Grass Mowed by her Ex.

Here I sit. On the couch... in the AC. I'm contemplating a trip to the store for a nice 1.5 inch thick piece of heaven. Strip or Porterhouse? Life is good. But as I look out of the window I have nothing but contempt. Out of the window is the lawn. It's mowed, but not edged. Most people would be happy. I'm not. You see, my girlfriend, the Hellcat, lets her ex cut the grass.

He's a great guy and he lives pissing-distance away. I should be happy. This is one less thing for me to do. But I can't be happy. Because he's satisfying MY woman. She sees the grass and smiles. He may as well be tapping the ass by the way she acts. She throws it in my face. He's dependable in ways I'm not she says. While she says this the sound gets turned down. I'm ready for a full-on "Tommy Gavin." I'm too much Man too let Hellcat's ex cut the grass! Kill. Hate. Destroy. Feel The Rage pump through my veins. I want to go outside and scream. Then rip down the neighbors rainbow flag. Then pillage. Then listen too Ted Nugent. But suddenly I realize it's hot and it's just fucking grass.

Maybe I'll have some creamed spinach with my steak. Life is good.